Reporters: Home might be where the heart is, but it’s also where the most toxic chemicals can be found in objects that you’re using every single day. These chemicals are now in our furniture, cars, electronics, children’s products, even in our food; and now they’re using highly toxic chemicals to control the Gulf oil spill. But, that might be about to change, as Congress will consider new legislation to reform the 34-year-old Toxic Substances Control Act.

BPA: We got a war on our hands, people. We’re getting killed in the press: states are banning us, consumers want us out of their bodies, and if these toxic chemical reforms get passed, we’re history. Now, who’s got ideas? Trichloroethylene?

Trichloroethylene: Oh, I know. We can put the word “clean” on all our products.

BPA: We tried that. Perfluorooctanoic acid?

Perfluorooctanoic acid: Well, we could commission another bogus study. You know, one that shows that the links between our products and higher rates of cancer are inconclusive.

BPA: Didn’t you see the president’s cancer panel report? We gotta think bigger.

Perfluorooctanoic acid: It’s brominated flame retardants, he’s got a new text. It says, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?”

Formaldehyde: Yeah, what if we started saying we want reform too?

BPA: The toxic chemical lobby reforming itself? We make billions selling this stuff, who’s gonna believe we’re gonna reform ourselves?

Lead: Are you kidding me? The American public can be made to believe anything.

Phthalates: Yeah, we’ll say we want to make sure chemicals are safe.

Perfluorooctanoic acid: Then, we’ll bully Congress into passing meaningless legislation.

BPA: Hmm…Formaldehyde, you still tight with that Senator?

Formaldehyde: Am I. [maniacal laughter]

BPA: Excellent, I think we may have something here, people.

Lead: Hey guys, let’s not forget about protecting the children.

BPA: Oh, I think we should be able to find a way to squeeze them in.

All: [maniacal laughter]

Text: Tell Congress it’s time to get tough on toxic chemicals;

Congress shouldn’t listen to the Toxic Chemicals Lobby…